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Argh allotment Epi 5

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Argh allotment Epi 5

Watched the opening credits, with the mentality, that this is a game show. It’s not real, has no ecological validity. The population, sample and measurement is not valid or representative.

So do we know out onions?

Onions bolt. Red ones of course just don’t bother doing anything.

So this could interesting.

Lots of name dropping as far as different varieties go. There is no such thing as a bog standard onion.

And the key indicator success. Appearance. Prettiness. And now you have tied it.

I mean really?

I raise my wonky, misshapen veg argument again. And that all bits of veg are unique.

Didn’t realise that the growers only had five months. This seems a very short window. When the allotment year is exactly that. A whole year. There could have some nod to autumn, summer and spring.

The floo’ers have gone over my head again. I can’t spell crysanths, so can’t say I’m impressed with these floral segments. Flowers do have their place; I am not negating that’d pending they are lovely. I quite like tulips, roses and gladiolus. Just not sure about bouquets and arrangements. Even more so with the analysis of the arrangement.

Jelly, not the spiced one that I expected. And no ideas what a fruit butter is. Hopes were raised by the tomato and chilli jelly. The gloopinrds was key for me though. I’d be intrigued as to how to make a jelly, that’s for certain.

Was somewhat heartened by thane’s disappointment. That things don’t always turn out right, that you have to take the rough and even rougher.

My sincerest commiserations to the bearded blokes and Jo an Avril. Two pairs who really embodied the true essence.

Allotment Challenge, TV Stuff

Argh allotment challenge Epi 4

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Argh allotment challenge Epi 4

Aubergine, sunfloo’ers and pickles this week, what could possibly go wrong?

I watch with cynicism and trepidation this week, as there are aubergines involved. In the grow challenge, that was the subject. Only two pairs actually grew from seed, something that I found disappointing. The others used grafted plants

And a chilli plant in quarantine, I’m mean really?

Tickling with ear buds as explained by the bearded blokes was good. Nice to see that happen.

But my one point is. To get the perfect aubergine fruit; you have to actually have to get the thing to germinate, root, flourish, flower and then fruit. I have a personal empathic view here; I have yet to get any fruits at all.

Misshapen veg?!

Oh dear juniper.

Show that mutated aubergine! I really don’t get this pursuit for perfection. Your tummy doesn’t yell a Len goodman-esque ‘seven’ when it is being eaten.

It was nice to see the contestants actually speaking to each other. This is what happens on allotments.

People talk.

You know, I don’t think I have ever been so cheesed off by aubergine shenanigans such as this. In awe, of a grown Aub. But sheen level takes the biscuit. The fact that some of the aubs were less than perfect was the actual highlight. Perfect specimen, bah humbug.

We like sunflowers. They are rather cool, little drops of sunshine. But the whole topiary tree turned me off completely. All very couture and fashion faffage here. Plus I don’t believe in cosseting my floo’ers.

The use of the phrase ‘free from blemishes’ irks me a great deal. Detracts from the fact that GYO and allotmenteering is not always going to be perfect. The pursuit for such is misleading and foolhardy. And such a desire to win. That doesn’t sit well with me either.

Then came the piccalilli and pickles. I’ve never understood why anyone would want to eat piccalilli. But this was a good opportunity to use a variety of allotment produce. Of course, being a Bollywood that always resonates. And apparently women don’t like piccalilli. Erm, eh?

Not sure about pickles, peoples.

Allotment Challenge, TV Stuff

Argh allotment challenge Epi 3

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Argh Allotment challenge Epi 3

Opened with a plethora of beautiful blooms. Not a weed in sight.

Competitors but gardeners first. Not so sure about that at all.

Carrot challenge, of three perfect carrots. Uniform, free from pests. No forking. A disaster if inadequately prepared. It’s a bloody carrot! Sand was shovelled in, all very conscientiously. In waste pipes.

And done with precision.

The Volkswagen of carrot growing. Functional, technical, precise. Mention of the carrot fly, we are getting the names dropped now as far as pests go. A tad more realistic. Carrot fly does take on the role of being a comic book villain.

Who’d thought that a carrot would inspire such whispered hushed tones. It’s not a state secret, it’s a root vegetable.

And not eaten by Jim. Come on, a carrot is not going to be a work of art. Surely, the aim of growing your own, is eating it. The proof should be in the pudding. In the eating of it.

I will not be coddling my carrots. Wonky is good enough for me.

Gladioli always remind me of Miserable morrisey, and I like them. I would rather like some bright purple ones. They were lovely on my plot last year. Definitely want some more. As for table arrangement. Not interested.

A bit technical terminology from fern, a nice thing, as she explained about succession growing. That was okay, we like fern.

I like gladioli, so I’m not going to complain about those. Some beautiful whoppers. And some
Vitriol for Thrips too.

Chutney and cordial for eat. Was what the difference was between a chutney and a relish. Always good to see chillies, with their “phwoar” moment. Being a Bollywood, the aubergine chutneys gained my attention, with the different spices being used. Having made a courgette chutney that was very Bollywood, that bit was useful.

Grow your own is emerging slowly. Still very crafty. But getting there. The bearded blokes in ties are rather refreshing as are the mum an daughter team.

Allotment Challenge, TV Stuff

Argh, allotment challenge Epi 2

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Argh, allotment challenge epi 2

A marginally better episode.

“It’s a bean…why’s it gotta be straight? It’s a bean.” Those were my words, said over and over. “good beans are wonky.”

Straight beans? I had a surprise when the first ever dwarf bean I grew were like little question marks. I have never ever tried to grow a straight bean. I mean, why? I am not growing to model them on a cat walk. And the first mention of pestilence. Blackfly, as I’m glad that Jo squished then. (Incidentally, she is local to me, so hello Jo!) squishing. We all do it! Not so sure about the bean sandwiches at all though. But no, I am never ever going to want straight beans. Mama H’s curry just wouldn’t be the same, I tell you.

Roses, I love. My plot has them all over. Both bushes and climbers, red, white, blue and yellow. So a tad patriotic. A perfect summer rose and a summer wreath. Interesting challenges. All my roses are beautiful to me. Even the purple moon, that only produces one tiny floo’er. But my roses don’t last, and they are on their own ‘do it when I feel like it’ schedule. I could feel myself start to eff and blind as the roses were planted. I don’t profess to have any “skill or judgement’ as the show said. I simply leave them to get on with it. I have yet to kill any pests, thankfully. I can understand why the one pair cloched them. But again, I wouldn’t. Roses are tough, I just wouldn’t pander and pamper them. I always get a bit saddened when chopping roses. For both dead heading and cut flowers. For cut flowers, that actually pains me. They are special, rose are a treat. The king of flowers, a crowning touch to a garden.

The making of a wreath went over my head. If it looks pretty in a vase on the dining table, then that is good-enough for me and for Mama H who generally makes that request. By all means faff with floo’ers, just not my thing.

Last year I made lots of chilli jam jelly. But there is more to using stuff you grow as jam. Relish and sauce were the order of a day. Why not a courgette and tomato quiche, a ratatouille? Jo, saved the day for me and stopped me have a strop, she pushed the boat out, courgettes and aubergines! Woo-hoo! A woman who was being resourceful and doing what the show should. Ratatouille relish, well done 🙂

The judging criteria for eat.

A chunky relish and ketchup sauce. Try the supermarket.

Glad to see the chillies, a naga viper too.

I know that lots of people grow for The show bench. They have that right. I do feel however, that this missing something of a point. That is the key feature, with the shows that I have seen so far. Missing the point. Far too much of a crafty sowing bee, master chef bake off thing. Not enough about the growing, the trials and tribulations. The slugs and snails were absent, though we had Blackfly.

Now, right at the beginning, fern tells us that the contestants-and that is what they are here-have a list. They choose what they want to grow. I do wonder about this list. Is it all standard stuff? Standard as in expected allotment veg. I was glad to see aubergines and the world’s second hottest chilli. I do wonder how experimental the contestants are. No two allotments are the same; yet the show bench is very token. Carrots, beans. And chutneys next week. Thane’s parting words for a chutney are that it’s not pushing any boundaries.

Well, I could have told you that for free, Thane.

Allotment Challenge, TV Stuff

Argh, allotment challenge Epi one

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Oh, I’m not convinced.

As a rule. I don’t watch gardening shows. I have yet to watch a single episode of Gardener’s world; but have listened to the odd episode of gardeners question Time. There is never enough allotmenteering or GYO’ing, and there is always something grandiose and airy fairy about it.

So we started with Radishes. Simple to grow, a kid could do it. I’ve tried, and sort of succeeded; but also failed and faffed. A radish is a radish, how complex and lofty could be they be? Trimmed, blemish free. Was glad to see the moolis, that is good growing and good experimenting. But really a radish is a radish.

Then there were Floo’ers. I don’t mind floo’ers. I can even deal with singing to the floo’ers. ‘Om’ing at them was interesting. Sweet peas are not my bag; but there was a fair bit of faffage. The Hand tied bouquet was not what I would have used as a test.

I’ve seen those ladies before. Ladies from allotment wars?

There were lovely allotment sites, a lot of hard work has even put in. But we didn’t see it, did we? Not much, at least. Where were the weeds, the cabbage whites, all the real dirt beneath the finger nails?

It really was very pretty. But where was the punch?

Don’t think the challenges were valid, or a real testament with the show bench. Not all veg makes it that far, it gets eaten; isn’t that the real verdict?

My verdict?

No proof in the pudding; and has some what lost the plot a bit.